Coregulation: Finding Calm With Another Person
Written by Renee Brush, Ph.D., & Linda E-F
I have two very sweet dogs. As is true for so many people who have a complex trauma history, they are my world. During my second marriage, I remember my then-husband saying that he felt like he was second to the dogs in my eyes. I really could not argue that. When I said I wanted a divorce, the only nonnegotiable demand I had was that both of the dogs would stay with me. I’m writing this with one tucked up right next to me and the other lying on the other end of the couch.
Nothing beats coming home and seeing their whole bodies wiggle in happiness to see me. Just the thought brings a smile to my face. They have been what gets me out of bed in the morning and keeps me going every day. My schedule is planned around them. In the morning and when I get home from work, I let them outside and feed them before I do what I need to do. They are with me all the time around the house. They follow me around no matter what I am doing, even go to bed with me. One of them is usually cuddled up right next to me while I am sleeping. Both of them are usually in the bed with me (thank God for queen beds!), but, when both of them are cuddled up with me, I wonder what kind of night I have had. They say dogs know when we need something.
I remember when I really was in the toughest part of my healing journey, their presence is really what helped me through. When I cried, they rallied around me, one even licked my face like she was trying to comfort me. One night, I remember I was heading to bed and my dog was already curled up next to my pillow. She looked ready to doze off. I climbed into bed and curled up around her. As I got comfortable, she let out a deep sigh. I remember my whole body relaxing and I also took a deep breath. That was the first time during the darkest part of that journey that I had truly relaxed. And that was the first time I had truly experienced coregulation.
What is Coregulation?
Coregulation was a term I learned in my Somatic Experiencing training. It is the idea that two people, when attuned to each other (meaning they are aware of each other’s emotional state), can enter into the same level of calmness. It is like one person is “sharing” their calm with another person (Sabatello, 2021, September 13).
Our ability to regulate our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors is considered a foundation of being a healthy adult (Murray, Rosanbalm, Christopoulos, & Hamoudi, 2015). But we are not born knowing how to do this. Instead, children learn how to regulate emotions FIRST through their interactions with a safe, nurturing caregiver/parent who is responsive to their child’s emotional states.
How You Develop Emotional Self-Regulation Through Coregulation
When I was in graduate school for clinical psychology, I did some training with Stephen Finn, who was absolutely delightful to learn from. He used an analogy that I use with my clients to this day. He said children are born with tiny little thimbles to regulate their emotions and that is why it is so easy for them to get upset. When their emotions spill over the sides of the thimble, it is the parent’s job to be there to catch the extra. With the right amount of support, the child’s thimble for emotion regulation becomes an espresso cup, then a mug, then a soup bowl, etc. And it keeps growing until the child is able to manage their own emotions.
In reality what is happening is that the child is growing through their interactions with their parents or caregivers. When a child is upset, parents will name the emotion the child is feeling (thus teaching them to identify their own emotions), create safety for the child by making accepting comments (e.g., “It’s ok to feel this way.”), and then teach them a variety of coping skills (Murray et al., 2015). Through repeated and consistent interactions of this sort, the child will learn how to regulate their own emotions over time, eventually doing these things without their parent/caregiver present.
As we have talked about in earlier posts on this blog, if you did not grow up in a healthy family, then your parents probably did not know how to help you regulate your emotions. So, as an adult, you may still have that thimble to regulate your emotions - or perhaps an espresso or coffee cup. I cannot think of one single client that has not had to learn how to regulate their emotions as part of our work (me included). So please know that what you experience is normal. In fact, your anxiety, depression, perfectionism, or need for control could be your way of trying to manage those emotions. So learning how to regulate your emotions might help reduce those other symptoms. (Note: If you are still learning how to manage emotions and this is your first post, please check out last week’s article on grounding.).
My dogs coregulating each other!
Who Can Help Us Coregulate?
Adults who grew up in unhealthy families did not have adults who knew how to regulate their own emotions. So their parents and caregivers would not have been able to coregulate with them. So, it is fair that, as adults, we need to learn how to regulate emotions first through coregulation! The key is that we choose the people to help in this regard wisely. The person we choose to help us calm ourselves must meet some very important criteria.
But how do you know who can help you? Once I realized the extent of the damage caused in my relationships, I also realized that I did not trust anyone. I would be remiss to mention that this process cannot be done with just anyone - this person HAS to be safe. So here are a couple things to keep in mind.
First, the other adult needs to be able to keep their own emotions in check when we are upset. It doesn’t mean they can’t ever get upset themselves. But, while I am talking about what is upsetting me, I want my person to stay calm and be supportive. I do not want them to also get upset and meet me where I am at - that is the opposite of our goal here. Remember, they are sharing THEIR calm with you.
Second, the person we are relying on to help us regulate our emotions cannot use our need for help against us ever. As I said, and yes I am repeating this, this person needs to be safe. They cannot be safe if we are waiting for them to use our emotions against us. And, unfortunately, we have to try it with someone to truly find out. But if, in the history of knowing a person, that person has never held anything else against you, they probably are a safe choice. Actions speak louder than words so observe how people act toward you.
Ways to use coregulation
As I said, I first learned about coregulation in my Somatic Experiencing training. So, I learned how to use it as a therapist to help my clients become calmer and more centered. It has been a useful tool when my clients are in a panic or state of high anxiety. In fact, it is so nice to hear clients say they feel better at the end of a session. But how can you use it in your daily life?
Once you have identified “your person,” you will use this concept by seeking them out when you are feeling upset about or triggered by something. This, honestly, also asks you to be honest about your needs, which I realize is another big hurdle. The last time I remember feeling upset by something, I remember asking one of my close friends for a hug, which is an unusual thing for me to do. Because I asked the right people, I actually got a group hug, which was even more lovely. So, in this case, asking for your needs to be met, may be asking for a hug or spending some time together.
When you realize you need some support but you don’t know what you need, I recommend that you simply pause and take a deep breath. Then ask, “What do I need right now?” Don’t think about it. Ask and let the answer pop up into your mind. Usually the answer that pops up is exactly what you need. Then follow through on that.
Tips for coregulation when you are alone
I realize that we are not always with our safe people when we start feeling bad, so how can we use coregulation then? Here are a few tips:
You can call the person who helps calm you. Spending time talking it out with them will help in the same way.
You can visualize the person next to you. Imagine what it was like the last time you were together. Perhaps even imagine what it felt like giving them a hug. Use all of your senses as you visualize this.
Get a pet! Obviously there is more to this than running right out and adopting an animal, but at least you can consider it. As an adult, I have always had a cat or a dog and I have never regretted it.
Hopefully, as you have been reading this, you have noticed that these tips are really other grounding and calming tools to help you find peace when you are stressed/triggered/etc. These are also coping skills, even if they require a second person (or group of people!).
Perhaps there is another way you have used another person to help you regulate your emotions. I would love to hear about it if you feel called to share!
References
Murray, D. W., Rosanbalm, K., Christopoulos, C., & Hamoudi, A. (2015, January). Self-regulation and toxic stress: Foundations for understanding self-regulation from an applied developmental perspective. Department of Health and Human Services. Retrieved from: https://www.acf.hhs.gov/opre/report/self-regulation-and-toxic-stress-foundations-understanding-self-regulation-applied
Sabatello, J. (2021, September 13). Co-regulation: How just being with someone can help. HealthyPlace. Retrieved from: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/relationshipsandmentalillness/2021/9/co-regulation-how-just-being-with-someone-can-help
