Finding my way back to God: My Spiritual Crisis
By Renee Brush, Ph.D.
[Note: I originally wrote this post back in April/May 2023. It is now October. I have posted an update below]
I have openly shared with you my journey in figuring out my spiritual journey, where I fit in the realm that is God’s world. This journey started a couple years ago and I first shared it with you last September. When the events I’m about to share with you occurred, I had taken down anything I had posted that had to do with New Age spirituality. I decided I needed to put my original post back up as a measure of accountability. It is edited so that no names are included. You can read it here.
The one certainty for me is that my higher power has always been God. It doesn’t have to be that way for everyone. Twelve step programs allow - even encourage - those that are resistant to God to allow their higher power to be something - anything - they can accept. And I’m ok with that.
Even when I technically was agnostic, the higher power for me was God. At the time, I considered myself “Humanistic” in the general term. But I see now that, at some point, some academicians - who likely found it embarrassing to believe by faith in God when they argue for scientific evidence - began to denounce Him and lived on their “Humanistic” values, which really were just their childhood religious values rebranded so they would be more acceptable.
Does that sound cynical? I have been feeling pretty cynical these days. I have been quiet for over a month - I haven’t journaled or posted in nearly two months because I experienced a spiritual crisis that I am sharing with you today. And it’s been a real roller coaster ride.
Finding out about the lie of the New Age
It was a beautiful Saturday morning and I was sitting outside with the dogs. I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw a post from a writer who I follow for a reason other than her thoughts on religion. Her post said something like, “If you would like to know my thoughts on religion, Jesus, and sin, check out my stories.” And so I went to see what she had to say.
She started talking about the difference between the Christ Consciousness Jesus in the New Age world and the Jesus from the Bible that died on the cross for our sins. The Jesus that is the son of God. I really hadn’t thought about it before reading her stories. She also talked about several testimonials from people who had left the New Age, including herself. I read her testimonial and then I listened to the other testimonials she suggested. And down the rabbit hole I went.
One of the people who had left the New Age world that I instantly recognized was Doreen Virtue. She made dozens of angel oracle cards and had books on how to connect with angels. She had everything she ever wanted monetarily. And then one day, she was listening to a church sermon and realized that the pastor, who was describing “false teachers,” was describing her! She started going to church and reading the Bible and eventually left New Age. You can google people who have left the New Age and you will see video after video. I have not listened to all of them because it got to be overwhelming. But, story after story, you hear that they learned that they were being led by demons. The story that stuck in my head the most was one woman who ended up at a conference led by a Christian woman talking about God. The woman giving the testimonial asked God to open her eyes and let her see the truth. Later that night, she looked in the mirror and saw herself as a demon.
As a kid, I LOVED horror stories. I devoured “The Amityville Horror” when it was released as a book and saw it as soon as I could when it came out in the movie theaters. I also remember reading a book about a group of teenagers who learned witchcraft and inadvertently started using black magic and called forth evil spirits. That book scared the crap out of me and I had vowed to stay away from that. After listening to all of these testimonials, I was freaked out. Doreen Virtue walked away from millions of dollars and her family because of what was shown to her. Actually, she tried to pull her family out of it, but they did not believe her and so they cut ties with her. The company that published her cards and books fired her but continue to publish and sell her materials.
So how did I make sense of all of this? Why would I just believe what some people were saying on YouTube? Back when I first went to see the medium the first time, I had told one of my closest friends about it. Her reaction was to send me Bible verse after Bible verse about how mediums are an abomination to God. She had told me then that if I wanted a relationship with God to read the Bible. I trust my friend, Susan, with all of my heart. But, at the time, when she sent me those Bible verses, I was nowhere near the level of healed I am now and all of those verses left me feeling overwhelming shame. So, I hid from them, rather than listening to her. In fact, I doubled down on what I had done, because the medium had told me so much about myself. If she could know so much about me, God surely meant to give her that gift!
But, that is the lie that the people in the New Age want you to believe.
So when people like Doreen Virtue and the woman I follow on Instagram were saying the same thing as my friend, Susan, I took notice. Not because I believe them over her - but they were echoing her words and I was being reminded of what she had said to me. And, I was in a place finally where I could hear it.
I spent that first weekend listening to testimonials and reading the Bible verses that these content creators were citing. Verses that said that the devil and his demons would try to trick people by masquerading as “light beings - as angels. And that any form of divination (meaning tarot, oracle cards and such) as a way to predict the future was unacceptable. That it is impossible to channel angels or deceased loved ones and, by doing so, you were likely communicating with demons. And person after person said that they were horrified when they discovered the truth and they had gotten rid of all of their New Age paraphernalia immediately. And they encouraged everyone listening to do the same.
The memory of that book I mentioned earlier came back to mind in full force and I felt in my heart that everything I was learning was true. It was weird because I didn’t really question it. I just KNEW. And, if nothing else, the one thing I learned in the New Age is that you believe what your gut tells you. So, when person after person on those videos said get rid of all of the things related to the New Age, that is what I did. After a year and a half in that world, I threw away so much stuff. I felt like a crazy person, but it felt like the right thing to do. I also quit all of the groups and unfollowed all of the pages. I left it all behind. No looking back.
I talk to my friend, Susan, every day. The telling thing is that I had never told her that I had joined these New Age groups. The shame from our medium exchange never went away, but I kept telling myself what I was doing was ok.
But that day I was throwing everything away, I confessed to her and I apologized for not listening. She wasn’t angry. In fact, she said she had been praying for me that I would find my way. There had been a wall between us because I couldn’t talk to her about a big part of my life. But that wall is gone now. She was raised in the church, so she has been a big help for me.
When God opened my eyes
That day was a huge turning point for me. But first it left this gaping hole in my life. All of my coping skills at that point were based on New Age strategies: meditation, solfeggio music, the cards, angel signs and numbers, interactions with my spirit team. All of that felt like it was gone.
The ex-new agers I had originally listened to were quite extreme in what they were saying - no meditation, no yoga, no music - because it all opens you up to the Devil. Susan helped me see that I needed to find my own middle ground. I had started doing meditation even before I joined the new age realm and had shared it with her. She found a Christian meditation app that she enjoys and shared it with me.
I also expressed to her the fear that I had to get rid of this blog and this company because it was all inspired while I was involved in the New Age. She encouraged me to pray on it and not make any quick decisions.
I didn’t really know how to pray, but in my readings, I had read some things and so I went with what I read. One thing people had asked was, “God, please open my eyes so that I may know the truth.” And I asked for this multiple times in those first few days. I also asked for forgiveness because I had been following false gods and I held a whole lot of shame on that one.
But, you know that saying, “Be careful what you ask for?” Yeah…
Soon, as I thought about my teachers under whom I had been studying, I saw them as demons in my mind’s eye instead of their actual persons. And, like I said, the one thing they had taught me was to believe what came to me. So, if I was seeing them as demons, then they were somehow being affected by demons. Not necessarily possessed. I won’t say that. But it was enough to let me know I no longer wanted to learn from them.
I also became aware of a “presence” in my room near my bedroom door. Not a nice presence either. My dogs don’t seem affected by it and they sleep with me every night, so I’m not too worried about it. But worried enough to realize that I was not in a right place and I needed to be careful.
But also, within the couple days or so, I knew that I would be able to keep the blog and my company, though I initially was thinking I may have to change things up some. There is a part of the company’s website that we are working on building up as I’m writing this that was the original idea - and I knew that part could stay and perhaps become the main focus. But, at the time, there were still more questions than answers. But, slowly, thoughts kept coming to mind revealing to me that the blog as it is currently is perfectly fine.
That first weekend, I went from a state of peace to a state of chaos. And suddenly I felt so alone. I told all of my friends at work about it over the next few days. They initially looked at me as if I myself had been possessed by a demon, but they were so supportive. Honestly, my friends really helped me get through this. I have been very blessed with them.
The alone part really came in with the loss of the “spirit team” and all of the signs. In the New Age, they teach you that you have these guardian angels and other spirits with you at all times, supporting you. And cardinals or blue jays were always signs to me that my mom or grandma were around me. And then none of that was true anymore.
I suddenly realized how lonely I truly have been for a very long time.
I had never felt such loneliness. I didn’t know how to handle it. I was crying and I wasn’t sleeping and everything felt so heavy. And all of my coping skills were gone. The Christian meditation app Susan suggested only made my ADHD brain angry because a meditation in that app was like a Bible study with no music where they kept repeating Bible verses. I had already started reading the Bible so I didn’t need that. I needed soothing words and music that brought me some damn peace!
Finally a friend suggested I go outside barefoot and just sit. And I did that. And then it came to me that there were probably other Christian meditation apps. I found two that did exactly what I needed. And I spent an hour doing meditations while I was barefoot and laying in the grass, crying with my dog licking my face. It was the first time in over a week since I had felt any peace.
Rebuilding the Foundation
In the six weeks since all of that happened, I have continued to struggle. When I was frustrated with the struggle, Susan reminded me that I had built this foundation for my life and it was destroyed in essentially one fell swoop. That foundation took a year and a half to build. It’s going to take some time to rebuild my foundation.
I found a Bible app that has reading plans. Initially I found plans that addressed all of my concerns like, “I believe in God but I’m not so sure about Christians….” And I realized that much of what I don’t like about religion is because of the people who pervert the word of God or who use religion for their own personal gain, which is essentially the whole good versus evil from the start of the Bible. Eventually, I found a plan that will guide me through reading the Bible with actual teaching as I go through by people who animate their teachings and I love it and I can relate to it.
The day after I had shared all of this with Linda, my co-author, she sent me a video her daughter had sent her while we had been at dinner. The clip was of a pastor doing a sermon on how he doesn’t push to convert non-Christians. He just spends time with them, like Jesus did, and they learn his ways through their time together. I loved his way so much I looked him up and found out his church services are televised. So, I started attending his televised church services each Sunday.
And I have continued to do Christian meditations. In these guided meditations, they encourage you to ask God or Jesus questions and wait for the answers. It’s not entirely different than what I was doing before, only this time, the only spirit I’m talking to is part of the Holy Trinity. It’s much simpler.
As I have done these things, I began to wonder if perhaps God was with me throughout this past year and a half. If, in fact, all of the times I thought I was interacting with Jesus, perhaps I was - not the Christ-consciousness Jesus of the New Age. I asked Susan what she thought and she said something perplexing like, “God works in surprising ways.” It wasn’t the answer I was looking for. I still felt like I had a lot of questions. I felt like I had been forgiven, but the heaviness was still there.
I saw Deborah, my therapist, and we processed it, of course. Turns out, I was still feeling duped by the New Age movement. How could I have been taken in by such lies? As we processed that, I thought, “How could I not know better?” And the thought that came in response was, “How could you know when she doesn’t even know.” It felt like I was being given wisdom from Jesus himself. It’s like what Doreen Virtue said - “I didn’t realize I was teaching lies.”
I actually felt quite a bit of peace after that session and a lot lighter. And I journaled the next morning. I realized with Deborah one thing that had not returned to “normal” from my “New Age” days was that I had not returned to journaling, which was something I had done daily. I had only done it once in the six previous weeks. And I knew I needed to get back to it. So, the next morning, I did. And, when I did, I read back over one other thing I had written and then I processed that and my session with Deborah. And, as I did, I was reminded of a quote from Genesis, which I had just finished reading. In it (if you’re not familiar), Joseph (of the many colored coat fame) had been sold to the Egyptians by his brothers. After their father died and Joseph had them all to dinner, the brothers were in fear that Joseph would have them all killed. Instead, Joseph said, “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.”
And there was my answer. I have never been alone. God and Jesus were with me this whole time, even as I was following false gods and doing things that were sinful. He was waiting for the right time to open my eyes and help me see.
For Easter, I learned that when Jesus died on the cross, He sent us the Holy Spirit to be with us all of the time. So, I’m not surrounded by a multitude of beings, who I know now are demons - or, if you will, fallen angels. But I’m accompanied by God. And, honestly, that feels perfectly fine.
Side note: I want to finish with a bit of a caveat. When I first told this story to my coach, she asked me if I thought she was putting herself at risk when she pulls her oracle cards. But she also said she pulls them for insight into her own issues, not for some type of future telling. I think that is fine. It is not my job to say one way or the other! The only thing I can encourage is research if you have concerns.
Update: It has been 5-6 months since I originally wrote this. I have continued on my journey, reading the Bible, attending online church services, and doing daily devotionals in my Bible app. I’m still not back to consistent journaling, but that foundation of peace has returned in this time frame, though it feels stronger and more solid.
I have debated and gone back and forth on whether or not to share this story, but I keep feeling the call to share it when I’m watching services or the devotionals. And I have been reminded that Tedecschi and Calhoun (e.g., 1995) as well as other therapists who work with survivors of complex trauma believe that healing includes this spiritual journey. So, I am sharing it and hoping that someone will be able to gain something from it. In the weeks to come, there will be more content to make sense of how spirituality and religion can help us make sense of healing and trauma.
Reference
Tedeschi, R. G. & Calhoun, L. G. (1995). Trauma & Transformation: Growing in the Aftermath of Suffering. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications
