Boundaries in Relationships: How to Recognize and Set Them
By Renee Brush, Ph.D.
I never knew what boundaries in relationships were until I was in graduate school, the second time. At least, that is when I remember clearly talking about them. The Merriam-Webster definition of a boundary is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” In relationships, boundaries are telling another person what is acceptable to you and expecting them to follow it. In healthy relationships, that is what people do - they hear your boundary and respect it. But, obviously, if you are here, you did not grow up in a healthy family, and so your boundaries may not have been respected.
Boundaries in Relationships
I never understood what boundaries were because my boundaries were mostly not respected growing up. This is pretty common in families with one or more unhealthy parent(s). It is incredibly difficult to set boundaries when you were never raised with them.
As I was growing up, the biggest thing I remember is that I generally was not allowed to have emotions. If I was mad at someone, one of my parents would say, “You can’t be mad at them.” Their reasoning was that we cannot control what another person does, so why be mad? The problem with this is that anger tells us when someone has done something wrong to us and we might need to take action. The clearest memory of something like this was in college. My roommate had a friend in town and they were off doing something, but they were going to come back to get me and then the three of us were going to some activity. They never came back. I was so mad and hurt, I was crying. I was given the usual “lecture” on why you can’t be mad. What I needed at that moment was understanding and support. Instead, the message was that I was wrong - and if I’m wrong at being mad at someone, the implicit message is that there is something wrong with me.
A more covert way of disrespecting someone’s boundaries is through comments that are meant to create guilt in someone so that they will do what the person making the comments wants them to do. This was so tricky that it took me a very long time to figure it out. A couple years ago, I realized that I was not really looking forward to Christmas. After sitting in the mood for a bit, I began to remember how my mom would make comments of distress when I was unable to come home for Christmas. I live in Virginia and she lived in Michigan. For many years, I was working retail and then I had a child so returning to my parents’ home was not always an option. When I told her, she would make comments about how depressing Christmas was going to be for her and then she would ask if there was anything I could do to change my plans. She would say things like, “Christmas just isn't going to be the same without you. You know how your dad and sister can be.” I can understand disappointment, but I felt like I was being guilted into changing my plans in order to make her happy.
And it wasn’t just for Christmas either. When I was first married and living in another state, we talked to each other on the phone every Sunday. But, once that habit died off a bit, when I didn’t call her, she would say, “You know you can call me whenever you want,” or “The phone line goes both ways.” Or, “I miss our talks.” Then I would hear about how sad she would get when I did not call her. The thing is - she wasn’t calling me either. But I was getting the full responsibility for us not talking on the phone.
Another covert way she disrespected my boundaries was when she would promise to be home so I could borrow the car or she would take me someplace but then never return home at the promised time. This usually meant that I rarely was on time for the things I wanted to do. This was actually rather standard behavior for her. Whenever we were going to family gatherings, she usually made us leave later than my dad planned for whatever reason. Eventually, my father began telling us he wanted to leave 30 minutes earlier than he truly wanted to leave, just so she would be ready on time. I know now that this was likely an ADHD trait - it is one that I unfortunately picked up - but her disrespect showed when she continued to be late, even when she knew those closest to her did not like the lateness.
Another way people disrespect boundaries is when they invade our privacy in some way. I am lucky that this is not a way my mom treated me. But I had at least one husband who did this. When we were dating, he was at my house while I was working. When I came home, he admitted that he had gone through all of my private chat messages. I was a single mom at the time. Obviously, I did not go out a lot and so I met and got to know prospective dates online through chatting. In fact, I had met HIM online in a chat room. I had nothing to hide - I had left the chat app open on the screen - and I had not given him any reason to distrust me, so I was shocked that he felt the need to read through all of my conversations - most of which had occurred before I had even met him. I knew his ex-wife had cheated on him, so I understood his motive, but, not only did he read my chats but then he deleted all of them.
When Boundaries are Crossed in Relationships
I did recognize many of these boundary violations when they occurred. I did not know about boundaries, so these types of behaviors felt normal to me, since this is what my family did growing up. I had no one to contradict their behavior or to point out that it was wrong. So, what happens when you grow up in a family where your boundaries are crossed repeatedly?
The biggest issue is that we grow up to be adults who do not know how to set boundaries with the people in our lives. And, as a result, we can have too many or too few boundaries.
Rigid boundaries are meant to protect someone by keeping others at a distance. For example, before I met my second husband, if I was getting to know someone, I unintentionally would say “no” to a prospective romantic partner to see how they would respond. If that person did not accept my “no” and tried to convince me to do what they had asked me to do, I automatically would end the chat and refuse to move forward with that person. In addition, saying “no” to invites from people I knew was a way for me to prevent myself from getting too close to people who might eventually hurt me. I have had clients who will quit talking to people who do not respond quickly enough to texts or act in certain ways that they think is appropriate.
Porous boundaries occur when we are too involved in other people’s business. My second husband going through my private messages or my mom trying to guilt me into doing what she wanted, like going home for Christmas, are examples of this. People giving unsolicited advice is also an example. As a therapist, I work very hard to not tell my clients what I think they should do. But, sometimes, even when we are exploring various options for action, they may sometimes still think I am telling them what to do. I have had several say to me in a following session, “I did what you told me to do….” That is a sign that they have had people in their lives who push their own beliefs/actions onto them and so they interpret what I say in the same way their family would act.
In addition, when we have not been raised in a family who abide by boundaries, we can end up in adult relationships where boundaries are not respected. After growing up with a controlling mom, I married two men who ended up being controlling in their own ways. I also learned to give in rather than stand up for myself. I was more of a people pleaser back then. After the second marriage ended though, I have had more rigid boundaries - not making plans or canceling plans with people as a way to protect myself. Before I said “yes” too much and now I say “no” too much. Well, at least, I did up until more recently.
Franconia Notch, NH - boundaries all around to keep us safe
How to Recognize Your Boundaries
Last week, I introduced a quick and easy way to start tapping into our intuition. This method is also great for knowing when boundaries need to be set. You just need to tap into your physical sensations.
When someone is violating your boundaries, you will most likely feel the “no” energy we discussed last week. It can feel like that heaviness we discussed last week. You might also notice yourself pulling away from someone. Or you might get angry or frustrated with someone. These are signs to examine what is going on to see if you need to make changes.
These signs would also be true for someone who has porous boundaries. If you are giving too much or giving unsolicited advice and people do not take it or do not appreciate it, you also may start feeling annoyed, angry, or frustrated. Again, this is a sign to look inward to see if you can identify what is going on. Helping someone because we WANT to is great. Helping someone because we want them to like/respect/love us or because we want them to act a certain way causes us to have these porous boundaries. These behaviors end up being unhelpful to us because we cannot control others and our actions generally do not create the outcomes we desire. (There will be a whole separate post on this.)
You can also use this energy to help you decide if you want to accept invitations to make plans. If someone asks you to do something, feel into that physical sensation that you began to recognize last week. If you feel the lightness and airiness that comes with your own “yes” energy, then you can agree to the plans. If you feel the heaviness that comes with your own “no” energy, then you can politely decline. If you do not recognize any sensations one way or the other, take that as a “maybe” sign and ask for some time to make a decision.
How to Set Your Boundaries
Now that we have recognized that there has been a boundary violation and that you think a boundary needs to be set, what do you do next? Setting boundaries for the first time when you have never set boundaries can be difficult, but here is a quick guide to help get you started.
First, it is important that you remind yourself that you deserve to have boundaries. People frequently feel guilty when they start setting boundaries, thinking that they are wrong for doing so. But, this discomfort comes from learning something new that is contrary to what you learned growing up. Comfort comes from practicing setting boundaries with people who will respect the boundaries you set.
Once you know you need to set a boundary, you next need to find a comfortable way to inform the other person of your boundary. This was extremely difficult for me - and honestly still can be! For those of us that have been programmed to always say “yes,” it often helps to find a way to “soften the blow.” In other words, start with something positive about the other person. If you have to say “no” to an invitation, you can say something like, “Your party sounds like fun, but, unfortunately, I have other plans that night.” Or, if you have to back out of plans, you can say something like, “I am really sorry that I have to do this, but something else has come up and I need to cancel.”
Family can often be the most difficult when setting boundaries, especially when they are the ones who taught you unhealthy boundaries. This post was inspired by the upcoming holidays, which means you may want to see family as much as they want to see you. But you may have different ideas about when you want or how long you want to see them. In that case, it will be important to decide what you want. Pick the dates or the time frame you want to see them and then figure out the way that you want to tell them. You can say something like, “I would love to see you, but here is what is available with my schedule….” Also, if you have a friend or therapist, they can help you figure out what to say as well.
Once you decide what you want to say, then you really need to practice it before actually speaking it out loud. It can help to visualize the conversation in your mind. Picture yourself having the conversation with the person, even considering all the various options of how they can respond. This will allow you to prepare for any responses. Keep any responses of your own very short, maybe even just repeating the original boundary. If visualizing it is difficult, maybe you can practice with a trusted friend who can play the part of a difficult person. Getting some practice will make it easier to follow through with the conversation.
Something to keep in mind before you have the talk is to have a plan in case the person chooses to disrespect your boundaries. If they push back or don’t want to accept your answer, how do you want to handle it? Know what those consequences are. This is often when people back down and give in to what the other person wants. You can do that if you want. But, I encourage you to have an alternative plan. Let’s say you have given your parent a set of dates to visit and they are not ok with the options and you are not ok with their alternate options. It is ok then to say something like, “I’m sorry that it seems we can’t make it work. How about we make plans to get together in the new year?” Of course, I encourage you to practice making these comments as well.
Boundaries are not easy for those of us who grew up not knowing what they are. But, it’s ok now that you are learning. As you prepare to have the conversation where you are setting your boundary, take a deep breath, remind yourself of the practice you put in, and do it! Remember that it might be uncomfortable at first. Those are growing pains and they will lessen each time you do this. And please know that I am sending you lots of healing strength and courage to do this. I know you will have more peace in your life as you do!
